Can I Get A RaMen?

Vol. 1 Issue 14

To declare yourself dissolved of your chosen big monotheistic religion would be blasphemy in most cases, like if you were a good Christian and then you became an Atheist, that would most likely be grounds for going to Hell, at least I’m guessing so. I don’t know if such a thing as a Christian-type Hell, with the fire and the brimstone exists in Islam, but I imagine to dissent from Islam would be even worse for your chances of achieving eternal bliss than dissenting from Christianity. In my last post I mentioned that I was not religious person. Now that I think of it, this was just a blatant lie, not a purposeful one with any malicious intent, no, I had just forgotten my about my faith. Luckily, the religion that I have chosen to embrace whole-heartedly does not have a Hell, nor can one commit blasphemy within it. As they may say in Christianity, I had lost my way, or strayed from the path, but just temporarily. In my religion losing one’s way is allowed, even for extended periods, even semi-forever. It is time for me to welcome you to the Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and Pastafarianism.

At first what may seem like a joke, partially because it has a funny name, and partially because it just seems utterly ridiculous to have a theory of divine rule and universal creation that involves a divine Spaghetti Monster, this will soon be proven to be quite the opposite. This is no joke, and once the parameters of the religion are explained it will be shown how Pastafarianism proves it is the one true religion with facts, and even some graphs.

For example, the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) created the world and universe a few thousand years ago, but manipulated the science behind everything to make it seem like it is actually billions. First he created firmament (heaven), but this was too confusing a name, so move that upwards then he recreated another place called land, which was much easier to remember. He decided to live on the firmament because he had already installed a stripper factory and a beer volcano there, but He is still very much actively involved in earthly affairs. A direct quote from the FSM’S main prophet, Bobby, “Every time a researcher carries out an experiment that appears to confirm one of these “scientific theories” supporting an old earth and evolution we can be sure that the FSM is there, modifying the data with his Noodly Appendage. We don’t know why He does this but we believe He does, that is our Faith.”

The FSM is not a vengeful God. Many Pastafarians do not literally even believe in the FSM Himself but view Him more symbolically. I for one think this is nonsense, and that there really is an FSM, but part of the Pastafarian faith is allowing anyone to interpret the scriptures any way they choose. The FSM allows and encourages people form other religions to join the flock. One does not even have to convert completely, but can be simultaneously a Jew, Christian, Muslim, Hindu or whatever, and a Pastafarian. Unfortunately, in many religions worshipping more than one God is grounds for eternal damnation, but not here it isn’t.

Okay, time for some facts: The chosen people of the FSM, much like the chosen people of the Old Testament were the Israelites, were pirates. We believe that pirates were once jolly, peaceful explorers forced into lives of crime and treachery through Christian persecution. There is also hard evidence that correlates the dwindling numbers of pirates with global warming (that is the old style Captain Jack Sparrow-type of pirate, not the automatic weapon toting new style like in Somalia). Their heyday being the 1600-1800s, studies show the fewer pirates, the hotter the planet. This is fact. See graph below:

So you might be thinking, “Chris here has provided hard evidence, and a graph, for the existence of the FSM and yet this just seems to ridiculous too be true.” Well, it is no more ridiculous than any of the historical scriptures of mainstream religions i.e. a never consumed, speaking burning bushes, various Seas parting and various city walls falling to the ground miraculously, or God speaking to certain people called prophets yet these people not being considered schizophrenic. Pastafarianism has miracles, creation theory, and plenty of facts that explain how the FSM created the universe, etc, etc, etc. The main thing we lack as a religion is a history. Although Pastafarianism is a few hundred years old, it was only recently, in 2005 to be exact that the religion came into full fruition. Considering Pastafarianism's unprejudiced, open-mined, progressive beliefs system, the fact that so far there have been exactly zero deaths committed in the name of the divine Flying Spaghetti Monster, plus our ability to explain the universe and existence just as thoroughly as any other religion, check back in a few thousand years time and then we’ll see what’s ridiculous and what is not. 

RaMen

For more info visit http://www.venganza.org. To donate to the Church of the FSM you just can just forward me the money and I’ll make sure it gets to the appropriate governing body.